Watching Reality TV

Real World/Road Rules is back in action with MTV The Gauntlet III. TJ Lavin is the host to the Veterans verses the Rookies in this test of strength, will and emotions.

Yes, defiant and loud mouth Coral is back along with thirty-one other cast members.

Of course there’s challenges! The first one looks like a mixture of mud wrestling, water polo and diving for piñata candy.

There were some great plays on the field and Tori would have won it for the blue team if she had not tripped and fell in the mud.
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It’s another week of Rob’s life on Rob and Big. They head off to a bar that has been turtle racing for over 30 years. If you’re up for a little Turtle racing yourself check out Brennan’s in Los Angeles, California.

Rob and Big’s turtle was beat down hard by another racing turtle and now they are on a quest to find the fastest around. After talking to a herpetologist they head out and find a wild turtle that just wants to run. No a herpetologist isn’t someone who studies Herpes. A herpetologist is someone who studies reptiles and amphibians.

That poor turtle just wants to get back to the lake that it takes one nose-dive down the banister to freedom and into a wall. Go Speedy Clack Clackity Claxton. After than Rob and Big decide that the turtle needs a rest.
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I’m not going to completely recap VH1 Rock Of Love because Heather has done a great job of it already. I do want to make some comments though.

The pink, red, and blue teams really took some tumbles for Bret on Rock Of Love II. Kristy Jo was really determined to have a date with Bret but why didn’t she keep up that determination? I just don’t understand it.

On Rock Of Love II Kristy Jo was able to win a private date with Bret.

I love the fact that she is trying to get close to Bret Michaels by cooking him a private dinner and relaxing by the pool. People say the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
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I’ll admit, recently I haven’t been watching “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” as much as I used to.  I used to watch it darn near every week.  Last night, however, there wasn’t much else on to watch and it looked rather interesting.  The crew was in Hawaii, for the first time in the show’s history.  And I couldn’t help being enthralled by the stunning vistas and relaxing ukulele music piped into the soundtrack.  I’d like to see who among you could resist Hawaii when presented in such a pleasing manner.

It was a pretty good episode too.  The family was one of those ones who is a champion of the community, always looking out for others before themselves.  And as a result, their home was inches away from being washed into the river.  There has been some controversy, the family makes over $100,000 a year and the land on which the house was built was given by the state as a grant.  However, I don’t think that should have made a difference in how deserving the family was.  Hawaii is a very expensive place to live and these people were hardly living in the lap of luxury.

As always, Ty and the crew built a monstrous, gorgeous house for the family and yet again I wonder if they have paramedics on hand for when they reveal the house to the family.  Because the lady last night looked like she could have maybe used it.

It was a long episode, as “EM: HE” tends to be these days.  I think one hour would cover it sufficiently most of the time.   But overall I was glad I tuned in and I’m still incredibly jealous of that soaking tub they gave the parents.  I sure wouldn’t mind one of those!

There are some out there who would say, “Feel sorry for her!  She really is that stupid.  She doesn’t know any better.”  I find that no excuse.  Jen is truly, truly stupid and truly, truly annoying.  The houseguests are only tolerating her at this point because she is inexplicably HoH this week.  No one wants to paint a target on their back, after all.  Though I have to applaud the drinking game that Mike, Zack and Dustin participated in where they took a drink of water each time Jen said “I”.  She stood there, blathering on about something I can’t even remember what it was.  And the guys were right there in front of her, taking a multitude of drinks and she didn’t even seem fazed by it.  It was a pretty hilarious segment.  Also hilarious: Jen gets out of the shower and puts her hair up in a turban.  She goes into a room where some of the guys (including Dick) are trying to nap and proceeds to start talking.  To herself?  Anyhow, the room clears alarmingly quick and she doesn’t even seem to notice.  That would have been the end of it, except Dick felt he had to confront her about her selfishness.  He was a little harsh, but I’m starting to realize that’s just how Dick is.  He doesn’t have a “mellow” button.

Worse was when the HoH room was revealed (and am I the only one who thinks it looks hideous this year?  AUGH!) and Jen was actually upset and disappointed because there weren’t enough recent pictures of her or pictures of her and her friends.  Darn all these photos of my loving family!  And in PictureGate 2.0, she actually took down a sweet photo of her and her mother because in it she wasn’t wearing any makeup.  SERIOUSLY.  And she did this in front of people.  It causes me to wonder if this woman has ever had any self-esteem.  She is so hopelessly self-absorbed and self-conscious that I wonder if she ever has truly felt confident about herself.  Her whole thing is one giant act.  It’s mind boggling.

Another interesting “interlude” is her talking with Kail about who she might nominate.  Kail is the only one in the household who remotely likes Jen and that makes me wonder about Kail’s judgment but perhaps she’s a better woman than me.  Jen actually has the nerve to suggest that Daniele and Jessica are unlikely to win many competitions (you know, except for that Veto that Daniele won last week) because they’re not that bright.  SERIOUSLY.  It was like watching her evolve into an enormous talking black pot.  Again, mind boggling.

Not much else really happened.  Unless you want to talk about the commentary that Zack and Dustin engaged in while Mike and Nick lifted weights in the backyard.  That was truly a funny sequence.  Even Mike and Nick had a hard time keeping a straight face and that makes lifting weights a little more difficult.  Between this and the drinking game, I’m starting to enjoy these guys quite a bit.

We had a food challenge last night as well.  It was girls against guys.  Well, mostly.  Joe was on the red girl’s team but he’s pretty much a guy anyhow so no difference, right?  They had to “guess the pie” by taking bites and trying to figure out what the ingredients were. Salmon and blueberry or pepperoni and mint?  Oh HELLS NAW.  I was surprised they got as many right as they did.  The men won by a pretty narrow margin but they won regardless.  So it’s slop for the girls (and the second week on slop for Daniele…aww).

We also had nominations.  As a surprise to NO ONE, Jen nominated Dick and Daniele.  Her reasoning?  Their feud brings negativity to the household.  Uh, no.  You’re jealous of the attention Nick gives to Daniele and your ego is smarting by the large helpings of truth and fact that Dick has showered upon you.  So father and daughter are up on the block.  Will Dick stay true to his word and not campaign for his daughter’s eviction?  I believe he won’t.  In fact, if he somehow got the Veto, I’m pretty sure he’d use it to take her off the block.  I’d hate to see either of them leave at this point, but I’d hate to see Dick go even more because he’s awesome.  Everyone else just seems disappointed that Big Brother didn’t make an exception in this case and allow the HoH to put herself up for eviction.

I guess of the two nominees, Carol was the one who should have left.  She wasn’t very interesting and was a touch less sympathetic than Amber.  Plus, I honestly think Amber is a better player.  Though it might have been sound strategy to vote out Amber seeing as she would be more of a threat in the long run, the houseguests voted Carol out 10-1.  Jessica squealed with delight, of course, and I wanted to punch her in the face.  Previously in the episode, the women (poorly) tried to convince everyone that they had buried the hatchet.  When in reality, they still hate each other with a purple coated passion.  Carol, however, was the far more civil of the two and I honestly think she was just too reasonable to be on this show.  I don’t like that she went home instead of Jessica, but what’re ya gonna do?

Carol got to witness Jessica’s true true colors after eviction and didn’t seem surprised in the least.  Interested in pursuing a friendship?  I’d say not.

There was also a new HOH chosen last night.  Through sheer dumb luck, Jen won it.  It came down to a four way tie which required a tie-breaker question asking how many gallons of water the spinning teacup in the backyard would hold.   “Big Brother” gave us a big ol’ trick question because no one else took the gaping entrance in the cup into account so their answers were in the hundreds.  In reality?  It was 9 gallons.  Jen, who had guessed 42 or some such ridonkulous answer won.  And I wailed, gnashed my teeth and pulled at my hair.  Because there’s another week I have to watch that nutcase on my television set.

So our “America’s Player” can be told which person to campaign for eviction before the nominations on Sunday.   Seeing as how my most likely choice is the one making the nominations, I’m going to go with Jessica because she herself is like nails on the chalkboard.  But I’m willing to bet my baby’s weight in gold that she also nominates Danielle because of that whole Nick stupidness from earlier in the week.  Mark my words, ya’ll.

Okay, I’ve decided that Jen needs to go.  Her hysterics on Sunday over her photograph (yes, over a picture) were just the beginning.  This girl is pathological. For one thing, she nutted up when she saw Nick (whom she obviously has the hots for and has flirted rather shamelessly with) putting the moves on Danielle (whom Nick has confessed to preferring to the other girls in the confessional).  Obviously convulsing with jealousy, she went out and proceeded to mention Nick and Danielle as if she could give a flying crap.  Then, she mentioned that he tried to kiss her once, but she wouldn’t let him.  I’m not entirely sure, but I could swear she said he was ugly too.  Riiiight.  Joe, the nosey busy-body he is, overheard this and went to tell Nick right quick.  Nick wasn’t having it and he came out and confronted her on the spot.  Basically, called her out as a liar.  They discussed the rest in private and he pretended to forgive her but he was still annoyed.  And can you believe she was still trying to flirt with him?  She’s NUTS, people.

And let’s not talk about her shirts.  There’s the “Jenuine” above that is almost sort of clever.  But some of them made me want to tear my eyeballs out.  This girl BUGS.  And I’m not the only one.  Besides me and Nick, Dick can’t stand her either.  Same goes for Amber.  I have a feeling the number of people who despise Jen is going to multiply over the coming weeks.

So there was a Veto Competition this week.  I won’t go into the nitty gritty details.  It was a little confusing at first, the players had to hide veto symbols with their names on it and then the other players had to find the veto symbols.  Whichever symbol wasn’t found was the winner.  And that person was Danielle who I think hid her symbol in a pot of slop.  Yeah, I wouldn’t look in there either.  Unfortunately, she chose not to use the Veto at the ceremony later on.  I was hoping she’d take someone off because I wanted Jen to be put up in their place.  I knew it wasn’t a good plan though, and Danielle did the right thing for herself.  She doesn’t need that target on her back.  But I hate Jen so much and Amber and Carol are inoffensive as of yet and I don’t want to see either of them leave yet.

In other news, Eric’s first turn as “America’s Player” was hysterically funny.  He had to conjure a sob story to tell one of the houseguests and apparently America picked Kail.  It was some silliness about how his ex-girlfriend looked like Danielle and was an anorexic and everything.  I didn’t really catch the rest because I was laughing so hard.  I mean, this man NAILED it, with fake tears and everything.   And Kail totally BOUGHT IT.  This week, thankfully, we have something better to vote on him doing.  We get to select which houseguest he votes out.  Though admitedly I’d probably feel better about it if I actually wanted one of those people to leave.

Speaking of Amber, she’s a very religious sort.  She did a lot of praying on last night’s show, mostly to give her strength.  She has faith that everything is happening for a reason and if God wants her to stay in the house, she will.  But then, she also confessed to Nick that she’s a nympho.  And I decided that this is what this show really has needed all along.  A good, God fearing nympho.

I was amazed that Joe didn’t bug me more than he did last night.  I think it was the distraction from the crazy that is Jen.  Because everyone seems normal when compared to her.

Mere words can’t explain how much I love this show.  It’s just that good.  The contestants are still upset about the horrible dinner service they just endured.  Jen is beating herself up about trying to serve garbage spaghetti (new on the menu at your local roadside diner!) and Vinnie is helping her by really rubbing in how stupid it was.  Thanks, Vinnie.  You’re such a nice guy.  Bonnie comforts her friend though and makes the boo boo all better.  The next day, it’s time for the blind taste test!  That’s always fun and this time is no different.  Basically?  The men couldn’t taste their way out of a paper bag.  Rock thought egg yolk was potato, for pete’s sake. And Vinnie thought seared tuna was pancetta.  Riiiight.  So the girls win their third reward.

The reward is a gourmet dinner with Gordon in absolute darkness.  Eh? Still, it’s a lot better than the punishment which was having to eat a variety of nasty, nasty things like tripe and tongue and liver. GAH.  Meanwhile, the girls are flirting in complete darkness and I swear to you, Gordon started it by tossing bits of roll at the girls.  Seriously!  Is this junior high? It was cute, but pretty blatant.  Fun television, no doubt.

And now we’re on to dinner service that night.  And once again, it’s a nightmare.  No one can seem to cook the chicken properly, or the Wellingtons (again).  The girls seem to serve more customers but the customers aren’t pleased with what they get and many dishes are sent back to the kitchen.  Gordon about has a apoplectic fit over the whole thing and decides that neither the Blue or Red teams won the night that they both suck equally.  But, from each team, Jen and Rock sucked less so they get to pick the nominees.  Except apparently they can’t even do that because Gordon is disgusted with their picks of Melissa and Josh.  He instead picks Vinnie and Bonnie.  Bonnie made more sense since she just about fell apart during the service, crying about how she couldn’t handle the pressure.  Vinnie also made sense because he’s a dick and Gordon has had it out for him since day one.  And, yep, he’s the one to go.  There’s not room enough in “Hell’s Kitchen” for both of those egos, buddy, and Gordon’s takes precedence.

Normally I’d have the “Wednesday Reality Roundup” here, but I’m so disgusted with “On the Lot” and nearly sure this show will be axed sooner rather than later and comparing “Deadliest Catch” to it makes it seem like even more of a joke so I’m not even going to go there. If you want to know what happened: Marty got sent home (over Hilary??) and Will and Zach had the best films of the night. The rest of the films were actually pretty tedious, especially the “horror” film from Jessica. Anyhow, that’s all I’m going to say about it. Because the show does truly suck and I fear for where it will tread next.

“Deadliest Catch” rocks, and now it is over. For another year, at least. A huge bummer as far as I’m concerned because like “Hell’s Kitchen”, this is a reality show that works. I was on the edge of my seat for large portions of last night’s show. The Time Bandit, for starters, found themselves in a rough situation. They offloaded their crab at the processor ship near St. Paul island, but had to travel through a lot of treacherous ice to get there. And then? They had to go back. Meanwhile, the ice is packing in tighter around the ship and threatening to overtake it. Seventeen years ago, the Alaskan Monarch found themselves in almost the exact same situation in almost the exact same spot. Their boat was overtaken and the crew was swept into the icy water and it was a bad, bad situation indeed. Captain Jonathon is mindful of this as he slowly steers the Time Bandit through the ice, which is surely damaging the hull. Sure enough, some deckhands go below to check and there are already some menacing looking dents in the hull and each crash has the crew cringing. As dawn breaks, Jonathon spots open water. The Time Bandit has made it to safety. Whew, that was fraught.

Over on the Wizard, they’re finishing up their pots one man short. The greenhorn they took on earlier in the season, Guy, quit shortly into his stint on the boat and simply remained below-decks. Now, he was going to give it another try. The thing is, he’s painfully slow. The captain is getting extremely frustrated so he gives him a pretty gentle reprimand, considering. I’ve seen these captains deal with their crew and most of the time, they’re not that diplomatic. Still, Guy loses it and charges up to the wheelhouse to bawl the captain out. And, of course, he quits again. This leaves another newcomer, Crosby, to fill his shoes and do his own job as well. Which he does, admirably and without complaint. The captain wisely offers Crosby an extra 1/2 percent of the profits for his hard work. And boy, did he earn it.

The Farwest Leader is dealing with some enormous waves and a cranky deck boss. Chili has been riding John the entire season and without much good reason as John is a pretty good crew member. Chili eventually realizes he’s been a little harsh and offers an “apology” of sorts to John. To be honest, it was pretty patronizing and insincere and John recognizes this and brushes the apology off without accepting it. I probably would have done the same. Too little, too late.

The Cornelia Marie is done crabbing and everyone has a little extra time. Last year, when Phil’s son Jake was a greenhorn, they had a hand coiling contest. Phil won, but it was hard fought. This year, they’re going again and newcomer Josh is going to compete as well. Phil barely beats out Jake in the hand coiling and then Josh steps up and shows them both how it’s done. Phil complains that he’ll never hear the end of it, but it’s obvious he’s proud of both of his boys. They have nothing to worry about as they offload their crab, they have brought in over a million pounds of crab.

On the Northwestern, they’re trying to pack in the last of the crab and are having a hard time finding where to put them all. The hull is packed full of crab and they need to off load before the crab start to die in the cramped conditions. Meanwhile, their new greenhorn Jake is still hoping to earn a Northwestern jacket, a true sign of being accepted into the fold. He’s working hard and keeping his head down and the crew and captain notice this. Five pots from being finished, their crane stops working and Edgar has to climb to the top of the ship to work out some repairs. Doesn’t that just figure? He gets it fixed up in good time, however, and the Northwestern is able to finish out the season.

And now for the totals. The Time Bandit earned $540,000 which comes down to $32,000 per deckhand. The Farwest Leader brought in $675,000, $42,000 per deckhand. The Cornelia Marie earned a more than respectable $1,062,000 which works out to $45,000 per deckhand. The Northwestern (easily my favorite) saw $1,170,000 with each deckhand bringing home $42,000. And then there is the Wizard, who earned a staggering $1,600,000 or $55,000 per deckhand. That is money well earned out there on those dangerous waters. How dangerous, you ask? Just take a look of this video of some of the nasty waves that are a daily occurrence on the Bering Sea. Keep in mind, this is in the middle of winter and that water is COLD.

Oh, but as it gets worse, it gets so so so much better.  In light of yesterday’s post about the backslide of reality TV, I think I understand now what the problem is.  Why shows like “Big Brother”, “Hell’s Kitchen” and “Deadliest Catch” do well while “Pirate Master” and “On the Lot” flail and founder.  The former are exciting, titillating, and unpredictable.  The former are so true to formula that nothing “new” or “exciting” ever seems to happen.  People tune in to reality TV to see something scandalous.  It’s voyeurism at it’s best.  We want to see someone get their ass chewed up one side and down the other.  So we watch “Hell’s Kitchen”.  We want to see someone look ACTUAL death in the eye and chuckle so we watch “Deadliest Catch”.  We want to see people have sex on television, so we tune into “Big Brother”.  It’s pretty simple, once you look at it.  “Pirate Master” and “On the Lot” give us nothing new and exciting to watch.  So we don’t watch, simple as that.  Reality TV is only about the competition in the strictest sense.  It’s about the DRAMA first and foremost.  Producers like Mark Burnett would be well off to remember that.

Anyhow, back to “Hell’s Kitchen” which rocks so much I can’t hardly stand it. In light of last night’s absolutely horrid dinner service, Gordon has a bunch of military types go in and bugle “Reveille” and wake the contestants up.  They are to serve breakfast for the army and the navy.  Julia gets props from Gordon for taking charge in the kitchen and the guys, well, the guys try hard.  So the women predictably win and the guys are assigned KP duty.  They literally have to peel about a million potatoes.  The women, on the other hand, get a helicopter ride with their pal Gordon.  Aaron, who has been particularly woeful up to this point, full out faints during the potato peeling extravaganza.  He is actually sent to the hospital where the doctor tells him he cannot return to “Hell’s Kitchen” and Gordon calls to give him the bad news and is kinder than I think I’ve ever seen him be.  Anyhow.

We learn that Julia doesn’t know what a creme brulee is and apparently this is an infraction that most of the red team just simply cannot fathom.  Whatever.  Julia rocks, I just wish she’d get some powder for her forehead because the shine off of it makes me nervous.  Dinner service goes about as well as you’d expect.  Which is to say it doesn’t go well at all.  It’s hard to chose which team does worse, but the women get the dubious honor what with the rancid crab that Joanna tries to serve and the spaghetti from the trash that Jen thinks is fit to serve (thank goodness Julia stopped her in time).   Oh, and Bonnie tries to serve raw scallops and sends Gordon into a fit of apoplectic rage.  It was awesome.

So the women are sent off to chose two people to put up before Gordon.  He can barely stand to look at them.  Hee.  So who do they chose?  Joanna is an easy pick.  The other choice should either be Bonnie or Jen but who do they pick?  JULIA.  Why?  Because she doesn’t know what creme brulee is.  No, I’m serious.  Thankfully, Jen knows that’s a bunch of bullshit and when announcing the nominees to Gordon, throws herself on the sword.  She then tells Gordon about the pasta/trash incident and I think as floored as he is that she would dare do something like that, the fact that she saved Julia and then fessed up won some big time points in his book.  Not that there was any way that Julia would be sent home because Gordon likes her.  So who goes?  Joanna.  A big ol’ duh there (remember?  the competition is actually very little of what these shows are about), but deserved.  Let’s hope the women ramp it up next week or the guys are liable to stomp their butts.

A lot of things came to an end on “Pirate Master” last night (other than the show itself which might end up happening sooner rather than later if the ratings don’t improve). One of those things was Joe Don’s rule as captain. The “red crew” found their treasure chest before the “black crew” (though admittedly it was neck and neck) and as a result, the “red crew” was allowed to pick a captain to replace the former tyrant. One had to wonder if Alexis didn’t sabotage the treasure hunt as she seemed to be deliberately slowing the “black crew” down. Maybe, just maybe, she was sick of Joe Don as captain? Weren’t we all? Anyhow, the “red crew” selected the dreadlocked Azmyth as their captain and he chose Jupiter and Jay as his officers.

Another thing that came to an end last night was the continuation of booting out men and keeping the women.  Azmyth gave the black spot to Alexis, Laurel and former officer Cheryl.  Cheryl wasn’t the least bit worried and Laurel seemed more confused than anything else.  Highlights from the Pirate’s Court include host Cameron calling Azmyth out on his faux accent.  He admits that the crew seemed to be enjoying it. Ha! For some reason, Jay was given the floor after Azmyth and he sorta went off on Cheryl which I had to wonder if it was wise at the time.  Because unless he was SURE she was going home, his words could come back to bite him in a big way.  Indeed, it comes down to a 4-4 tie between Cheryl and Alexis.  How is the tie broken? Why, let the captain chose, of course!  And he choses Alexis so she takes her sour puss out to sea on her Raft of Doom.  (I still am missing the plank)  I imagine Jay might be regretting overplaying his hand a touch, don’t you?

I didn’t enjoy my television as much last night as I normally do on Tuesday nights.  “Deadliest Catch” was spot on, of course.  But then, it always is.  It’s so incredibly difficult to find any show with any sort of consistency in the world of reality TV and “Deadliest Catch” delivers week after week.  I have great affection for this show, as you may have noticed.  Last night saw the final hours of the opilio crab season, as the boats scrambled to snap up huge amounts of crab before going to the sorting facilities to offload their catch.  And snap up huge amounts they did!  Many pots full of 700+ crab were hauled on deck and that’s just amazing right there.  The deckhands were punch-drunk excited when they started calculating what sort of money they’re dealing with.  Ice threatened more than one boat.  It’s quite a gamble, going north to look for crab.  Getting stuck in the ice or losing pots under the ice or having the ice bust open the hull of the ship would be disastrous.  Luckily, it would appear our boats made it out just fine.  And next week?  The boats cash in and we find out just what kind of money they made this season.  And, we say goodbye.  Until next year, that is.  *sniff*

“On the Lot” was on last night as well.  We saw five more contestants films.  I’ve since confirmed that these are indeed their submission films.  And tonight, there was no one film that just jumped out and grabbed me.  Andrew’s “Polished” was pretty decent, as was Shira-Lee’s “Beeline”.  But those films had their faults and fell short of perfect or even “great” in my book.  However, there were some poor films this go around so I think Andrew and Shira-Lee are safe.  Kenny, dear Kenny, did a very serious if disorienting film about grief and alcoholism called “Edge on the End”.  I think he and Marty (who did another serious short called “Dance with the Devil”) are the ones at risk this week.  Marty has great style, but he’s insufferably egotistical and has yet to show any substance to his films.  And Kenny is all style and strange film angles and rough cuts.  Which is fine and good, but depending on what they’re looking for in this competition, I don’t think he stands a great chance.  By having the public vote for the winners, I would gather that they’re looking for a mainstream director and Kenny is anything BUT mainstream.

In other “On the Lot” news, our bottom two from last week are Trever and Hilary.  I would agree that Trever’s film last week was pretty poor, but so was Hilary’s.  And at least Trever’s 1 minute short was awesome, whereas Hilary’s was NOT.  So that makes her with two poor films and him with one and guess who went home?  Yep, it was Trever.  A big bummer, as far as I’m concerned.  I thought she was sure thing to be leaving last night.   Next week?  Five more films.  And then we move on.  I HOPE.

Last night was another entertaining romp into “Hell’s Kitchen” and what it’s like to work for the devil.  Oh Gordon Ramsay, I kid because I love.  After the girls’ thrashing last week, it seemed only fair they get a week off the hot seat.  They won a challenge that involved the teams preparing sole for the dinner service.  The women prepared more “acceptable” sole than the men so they won a fishing and lunch reward with Ramsay himself, who kept a healthy distance from them (and their overspilling cleavage).  During the challenge, Aaron started to fall apart (yes AGAIN and in much the same way as he did last week too) and Ramsay surprisingly let him off pretty easily and he went to “compose himself” for the next 30 minutes to FOUR HOURS or so.  Must be nice!   When he returned to his team, he said he wanted to quit.  I thought, “Great!  Let him go!”  But the guys actually talked him into staying.  SERIOUSLY.  And he did.  It didn’t make any sense.

The dinner went about as you’d expect.  Aaron was selected to debone fish for the diners tableside and that was a nightmare.  The man was about as efficient at deboning as he is at sucking it up and not whimpering all the damn time.  He left many bones behind as well as cold fish since it took him forever.  And yet, when the men predictably lose the evening and Rock is chosen as the “best of the worst”, he does NOT select Aaron to go in front of Ramsay.  WHY??  Everyone seemed to be surprised by this, maybe Aaron was the most surprised.  Even Ramsay looked surprised.  So who was chosen?  Josh and teeny Eddie.  And who went home?  Teeny Eddie.  Whatever.  This show so doesn’t make sense half the time.

Next week, one of the contestants may end up killing a diner.  Excellent!

So I went into this episode last night with an open mind and hoping for a good show.  About 15 minutes into it, I found my eyes starting to cross.  I want to like this show.  It has slick production values, an enigmatic host, scantily clad and attractive contestants and authentic feeling challenges.  So what is missing?  I think the larger problem here is that we’ve seen this show before.  We’ve seen a lot of these reality shows before.  There’s only so much new ground to cover and it would appear this is ground we’ve been over.  Again.  And again.  The producers tried hard with this show to make it look like something new and exciting but you can’t help but think, “This is Survivor on a boat!”  There are some notable differences, of course.  Simple luxuries and the inclusion of money and captains and mutiny to sweeten the pot.  But it’s still “Survivor”.

That said, guys out there should be tuning into this show in droves while it’s still on the air (see how I sort of expect it to get canned any minute now?) because there are some excellent babe watching opportunities here.  There’s all these girls wearing little more than a bra running around the jungle.  I swear, I about went blind myself last night.  One gal had to have her chest pixilated out, I can only assume she had a wardrobe malfunction.

So what happened last night?  I wish I knew.  All I know is that Joe Don is still the captain and they sent Christian home.  That made absolutely no sense to me.  Why not Joy who suffered such awful seasickness last week and who injured her knee this week?  Or Kendra who couldn’t swim from the boat to shore to save her life and drastically slowed down her crew.  I guess Christian was a threat, but to who?  The captain maybe, since he was all for mutiny.  It was a bummer to see him go.  And an even bigger bummer to see they still aren’t making these people walk the plank.  That’s a fantastic opportunity there, CBS, and you’ve totally dropped the ball.

Oh Tuesday night, you wonderful thing you.  Once again, we start off with “Deadliest Catch”, right in the heart of opilio crab season.  With it?  Some nasty, nasty waves.  And super cold freezing temperatures.  You know what those two elements add up to?  ICE.  Everywhere.  The boats are getting covered with it and the crew must knock off the ice every spare moment they have.  Which, if you’ve been paying attention, they don’t have a lot of.  The highlights from this episode include the fate of the Time Bandit.  If you recall, they were laid up before with a crab pot line tangled in one of the propellers.  So while Andy Hilstrand dons scuba gear to go down and perform some repairs, the law catches up with one of the deckhands.  Apparently he missed a court date or some such and got hauled off to jail.  After some chuckling and joking about letting him cool his heels there for a while, the captain and crew go collect money from an ATM to post bail for the guy and get him back fishing as soon as possible.  Meanwhile, the Northwestern is having tremendous luck.  Good weather and tons of crab.  According to Edgar, they are breaking previous records for the most crab caught in such a short amount of time.  The good fortune allows for some teaching moments with their greenhorn (The same one who thought it might be funny prank Edgar.  It wasn’t.).  He wanted to try throwing the hook so they let him.  However, each time he missed he had to lose a piece of clothing.  Which, in the super cold freezing temperatures is pretty tough to take.  But the greenhorn stuck to his guns and earned some valuable respect while he was at it.  He hopes to earn a jacket bearing the Northwestern’s colors, but he hasn’t gotten it yet.  Mostly because he then started whining about how much his hands hurt.  Bad move, as Edgar recommends to Sig that they try some “old school” fishing with the greenhorn.  They make him hand coil the line, clear the pots of clingers by hand, transfer the hundreds of pound of crab to the hold by hand… basically?  Showed him how good he does have it and that maybe he should stop the whining.  I think he learned that lesson pretty well.  The opilio crab season is winding down and the boats are going to be returning to the processing facilities to get counted up soon.  Then we’ll see who came out on top!

We enjoyed another episode of “On the Lot” last night.  Well, maybe “enjoyed” is too strong a word.   But it wasn’t bad.  We’ve been cut back to one episode a week and last night we only got to see five of the filmmakers films.  Luckily, they were mostly pretty good.  Hilary bombed yet again, however.  And Trever (who impressed me so last week with his golf film) didn’t do so hot with his blind date comedy, “Teri”.  The best was easily Sam’s “Broken Pipe Dreams”, about a guy who has issues with a toilet and then proceeds to accidentally flush an engagement ring down the drain.  He ultimately wins out over the toilet and finds redemption.  It was very imaginative and fun to watch.  Our guest judge last night was Michael Bay who has directed many a summer blockbuster.  I found he was a tough nut to crack as he seemed to find something wrong with every film, except for Shalini’s “Laughing Out Loud: A comedic journey” which he said “gave me a chill.”

My best judgement is that next week we’ll see one of these five be eliminated (I’m thinking it’ll be Hilary) and also see the next five films.  Okay, whatever works right?  I just wish they’d figure out how they’re going to do this show already and stick to it.  I’m starting to feel rather confused over here.